To Beautiful For Earth

"I will always wonder what you would've looked like. If you were a boy or a
girl! Would have Mommy's good looks? Daddy's attitude?......"

People may not agree with me writing this blog. But this is my way of getting the details out there without having to talk about it over and over again. In away I want to get it down for myself. I'm sorry if you don't agree with it. But this is my blog and I want to write about it.
As you probably know Jimmy and I where going to have a baby, we where both very excited. That all ended to fast and to soon. We found out we where pregnant Dec. 23,2011 and a month later on Jan.23,2012 that dream was brought to a end.
Everything was going great with the pregnancy I was feeling fine, no sickness. I was in heaven thinking this pregnancy was going to be so easy, and I was so lucky. We might have jumped the gun on telling everyone about the baby, but it was our first pregnancy EVER, and we both had wanted a baby for a very long time. Plus who ever really thinks that we are going to lose your first pregnancy? You really don't think about those things, you just think of all the happy things.

On Sunday Jan 22,2012 I started to notice that I was spotting. I started to get nervous and a little freaked out. Cause your not suppose to be bleeding when your pregnant. Jimmy took me into the ER. They ran blood test and did two ultrasounds. They couldn't find a heartbeat, but they kept saying that it could be because I'm not as far along as we had thought. I was suppose to be around 8 weeks. But they where saying that the blood test and the ultrasound was pointing more at a 5.5 week embryo. They released me from the ER a couple of hours after we got there. They told me to call my doctor and go back in for blood work to see if my hormone levels where going up (which would be good) or going down which would mean miscarriage. I was supppose to go in Tuesday Jan. 24,2012 for the blood work. I got home from work Monday night, and I knew something wasn't right. I knew in my heart that this pregnancy was over. Around 5:30-6 that night I started to get very light cramping, and a little more bleeding. By 7 I was hurting pretty bad and had to start to bleed more. We called my doctor and he confirmed that I was having a miscarriage and that he still wanted to see me on Jan 24,2012. After 3 hours or so the pain had stopped and the bleeding had went back down to a normal period.
I was devastated to know what was happening and that there was nothing I could do to stop it. I didn't sleep hardly at all. How can life be so unfair at times? This was my first pregnancy ever, how could this be happening? (This might sound rude or even heartless) But how could everyone else have normal pregnancies and I have to go through this? We went into my doctors for a check up to make sure everything was okay with me. We come to find out that the radiologist had classified our baby as demised when we went in for the ultrasound. Kind of upsetting, wish they would've told us that instead of making it seem there was a chance everything would be okay. We where told that we did not do anything wrong that could've caused the miscarriage. More then likely there was something wrong with the way the baby was developing.
I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty upset at times, and okay other times. I really really wanted that baby so bad. But now no matter how much I wish for it, its just not there anymore. I am very luck to have the husband I do. He has been very caring and supportive. I am very thankful that at least the miscarriage was held off until he was home with me. I have no idea what I would have done if I was here all alone.
As for Jimmy and I trying again, well thats between him and I. We have decided that we don't want to share that information with anyone. I don't want to have to deal with someone always asking if I'm pregnant, or what we're doing to get pregnant, or to do this to get pregnant, blah, blah, blah. As for when we do get pregnant again, we have also decided not to tell everyone right away. That way if something happens we can deal with it on our own without having to deal with everyone else's feelings.
But I do want to thank all of you for your kind words, and prayers. It means a lot to me. Thank you all so so much!